twelveamspeednews.

cubicle

2011-12-20T15:52:00.004+08:00

It's been two months, and I'm still feeling antsy. Maybe I should've done this.. maybe I should've done that. But in the end, the fact is I still haven't done it yet. I need to move forward soon... the first step is always the hardest, so just get on with it.

I miss my past life. I miss the excitement, I miss the people, I miss the stimulation, but most of all, I miss the opportunities. Yes, that sweet, sweet possibilities that anything could happen. Now it's all monotony, and routine. And that makes me sad, to think that life amounts to just this.

It's alright, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving. There's nowhere to go to but forward, and u better damn well have courage for it.

Keep moving, keep moving.

chosen

2011-11-21T15:58:00.000+08:00

Got the news a couple of weeks back. I always knew it was never an option for me, but it still hits a spot for some reason.

No, this is not longing, and neither is it envy. It is not a diverged road, or an alternative. If I had to explain, it feels like something setting me free.. confirming what I already know.

Here's to wishing you all the best. May your road be paved in gold from now on.

Goodbye.

absence

2011-11-21T14:48:00.002+08:00

Hey there, been a while old friend.

I'm feeling lost. 6 months prior, I was having a panic attack, added with denial and self delusion. Glad we're past that stage, but now a new phase comes altogether - the actual dreaded moment, that one that we've been fantasizing, feeding and yet rejecting all this while.

So many questions, so little answers... I've been feeling it creeping up, slowly and surely but yet still unable to perceive what it is. It's like a fucken ninja stalking you from the darkness, there's no running away from that shit. (pardon my french)

But yeah, had a massive row with E few days back, it hurts when you realize that you don't matter so much for a considerate thought. This.. in a way was an eye-opener, and I hope we did the right thing by addressing it. It's funny though, a 12-step approach is kind of the best way to tackle any problems that comes your way.

But.. to be honest though, something inside of me changed a bit. No, I'm not talking about the whole graduating-and-coming-into-the-real-world change.. but this is more. I can't quite put my finger on it yet (or maybe I do, and I just don't want to tell you. HA-HA) but one thing I know is that the journey just got a little bit harder.

Past resentments, it does not help that you linger. To everyone else, how do you make it go away?

when u stop believing?

2010-08-25T06:03:00.002+08:00

I was chatting with a friend earlier this month ; and as we were catching up to life, love in particular I found myself saying this;

“xxxx is a game, we all got to play it”

Right after saying it, I realized how different I sounded from last year. Before this I never acknowledged the need to play at this game. Back then, all I believed in was where there are two people with the same feelings, that alone is enough to get them by. No manipulations, no calculations and no strategies in capturing the one thing you want, its nothing like this game of chess I’m trying to play now.

What had changed me in me? Did I change at all? Maybe I was too contented before, enough to believe that alls good in this world. Naiveté? Probably. Did experience teach us all to be cynical at the end? Maybe. But is it not enough to just follow that drive inside of you, and not to count your every single move? Is this really growing up?

I don’t know, somebody please explain it to me. I don’t like me this year.

borderline insane

2010-08-24T10:32:00.001+08:00

it doesn't understand negatives. it doesn't understand "no" or "don't". it doesn't get humour, nor sarcasm. all these are just the manifestations of it. now.. the trick is, you can program it to give you what you want. the moment u visualize it, it will materialize, how cool is that?

well somebody told me these secrets, and i personally envy him for being the blessed child. but i'm going to try them anyway. just don't expect me to abandon all moroseness altogether, that's why i have you, my love. maybe i'm making allowances for myself, but c'est la vie.

c'est la vie, c'est la vie.

life's too awful to be good. oh wait, i meant that the other way around. :)

the chair

2010-08-03T04:59:00.002+08:00

It has always been there, with us and you left it with me when you went away.
Three years of condensed memories, all sticking on it like the faint smell of smoke.

I didn't want to let you go, but things had to go on.

I didn't want to leave you but I had to.

I want to be angry at someone, but I can't.

Now when the nights fill me and the thoughts come rushing in, I find myself lost again.

I miss you terribly, take me away. Please.

to do beautiful things, a good dy

2010-05-14T04:49:00.000+08:00

a precious gem

2010-03-11T01:47:00.002+08:00

Haven't felt this way for so long, and to be honest, I'm really enjoying it :) though I don't know how things will turn out, I'm keeping my fingers crossed indefinitely. Now I have a secret, do you?

Also, going off to le island Paradis tomorrow. I'm spending money I don't have but it's fine. Am really looking forward to the sun exposure, no not Melaka-like sweltering killer heat but the nice, windy, beach-side type. But hey, let's not get too burned this time, can't afford another 6 months to pale away.

To Li, my love, please don't worry too much. I can't tell u how much I miss you, hang in there allright. I'm always praying for you.

2010-03-09T08:14:00.003+08:00

Its been 5 months since that day. Tonight, I lived it for you. For all that we had before, it was beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Do not get me wrong, my Loves. Think not that I am stuck here, if only they would understand. All that feels are excited, for that alone I will always remember you.

It's allright if they don't, for that I know what this is :)

black & heavy

2010-03-08T03:29:00.001+08:00

This is a letter of hate. Nothing good will come out from acknowledging these spiteful emotions, but it needs to come out, before it manifests itself into something irreversible.

I know you. I know each and every single cell inside of you. I know your games, I know your tricks, I know how you make a person sway, I know what makes you tick, what makes your heart beats faster. What I don’t know is how you can sit around idly and just watch people who care about you writhing away like dust?

How can something u preached sounds so beautiful, and yet when it’s time to make the words real you choose to turn your back against it?It really hurts me, and I’m sure it hurts others out there too. I can’t believe someone who has worked so much to have something to call theirs, lets it go the moment it is.

I hate you, the more I think about it that page that was written months ago seems true again. Everything he said was true. I can’t sit around and let you use me again. Not anymore. I hate your words. No truth comes out of it anymore. I hate your thoughts, they don’t seem to matter the things that does. I hate everything about you, enough to make me disappear for good after this. She did, why shouldn’t I?

I am not the first one to say this, maybe u should take a look around and see how you are sucking the life out of people. Maybe I don’t want to be the latter anymore.

Goodbye. I hope I have enough strength to leave you now.

smokey

2010-02-11T02:44:00.000+08:00

hello again, it's been a while.

i'm starting to forget,how things are. when a huge part of you have been ignoring, sometimes that state takes over and becomes reality. but in the same time... this feeling is growing stronger.

soon i will have to make it, and whats worse? losing or gaining? or being the in-between. someone come now so that i can pour myself. not everything is personal.

do u know?

and there is light.

2009-12-28T21:15:00.004+08:00

i have my feet stuck in vastly different worlds. on one hand(feet), i am totally happy, on the other, i'm on the brink of something that will be devastating.

the only thing i am able to do is linger, and at this moment i am flying.

over a bucket of kfc.

2009-12-24T00:40:00.003+08:00

I feel like I'm slowly losing you. The things we used to talk about are never spoken again. The laughs and the tears of what used to be is not there anymore. We are empty now, a proud evidence of what used to be.

Can't we just turn back? I miss you.

budding

2009-12-24T00:16:00.005+08:00

So its that time again of the year, where the old one's slowly dying and the new getting ready to kick some major ass. The ending line from Wanted is playing on replay in my mind.

"What the fuck have u done lately?"

Indeed this year was full of meaning, thank you God. I lost someone dear to me, not over 3 months back. I gained some wonderful friends at the time being, reconciled with another. Funny how the measure of your life is related to the lives of others. Got stuck to some addiction, made some afflictions, cleared my soul. All sorts have gone out, and in the end, the question still lies.

If he'd look at me right now, the eyes would glaze over and a smirk would appear. That face that I can't bear to look. He doesn't need to say it for me to understand what goes on.

So heres to a new year, with the coming of 2010 (also, a year closer to the end of the world? Hmm) for hoping and struggling for another day. For another flicker to add in the big fire. Another step to matter. Here's to 2010 :) let's all drink it up and savour the feeling of the old, and pray to God that it doesn't leave a bitter aftertaste.

metal tube

2009-12-15T01:02:00.004+08:00

so what shall you do when they tell you to conform. its no longer hushed, its now shown in its most honest form. do u still struggle, for that one small gesture of childish freedom, or do you give in to something that might be, not just amazing but also right?

is it time already?

day 49

2009-11-23T17:04:00.003+08:00

So far so good, I'm still standing. Thanks to all my loves, you guys have been indispensible.
Soon, I'll be back. There shall be no more words to hear. I'm coming back. :)

You are my destination.

ho boy

2009-11-16T02:33:00.002+08:00

this is when it becomes hard. crossroads are never easy, but you can't just stand still there. what should i do? risk this, gain that, or lose this and keep whatever was there? which is a better choice, who do i talk to? what do i want?

but it was so worth it :)

just maybe...

2009-10-27T21:45:00.006+08:00

I've been down so low, people look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong, like I don't belong

Staring through a window, standing outside,
They're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them, but I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see I give it away so easily

But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now

Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me

James Morisson - Wonderful World

it finally came.

2009-10-10T01:38:00.001+08:00

he left this morning. i feel numb. lets wait til the storm comes.

he's there in the dark

2009-10-04T02:31:00.001+08:00

Someone said these words to me.

Words that might have gotten to me, I’m not sure. I’m thinking that at this moment, no good will come from pursuing such things. Sorting myself, and finding what’s true is my only goal, and even by a single minute action things can be made impossible. I am touched by the words, by the kindness but nothing would come out in return.

Was I meant to be this way? All excuses aside why can’t it be easier? Letting go, letting in, and moving towards something else. Things never come in the right time, but why does these words seem to haunt?

I hate that you will leave. I hate not knowing u will ever come back. I hate not being able to see you. This might have gone further than what was intended. But I never hated meeting you, nor having you around.

Vienna

2009-10-03T21:00:00.002+08:00

Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
And take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
It's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two

When will you realize...Vienna waits for you?

And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through

Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Billy Joel - Vienna

i kinda wish sometimes.

2009-08-13T04:24:00.004+08:00

once in a while your heart gets broken with the smallest things. moments of happiness mixed with sorrow. i never wanted to accept it but right now there's no use cheating reality. i want it to last, if not forever than at least til i'm ready.

but i guess time waits for no one.

me too baby, me too.

:(

day 7 - last day

2009-08-09T02:17:00.003+08:00

post agreement, i actually felt a whole lotta better .and things are looking a whole lot better too :) yes, my life is a never ending loop of drama, however unlikely it may be. hope its not too soon to tell.

finally met immy after such a long time. dude, 'ill say it again, u are GREAT company. u trying to hit on the johnny walker girl was classic. real smooth there.

also, tried wall-climbing today and i LOVED it! i know whats a double 8 knot, how to belay and be a spotter! am officially a member of camp5, and thankfully theres something to do now when im bored outta my mind. anyone wanna pretend to be spidey with me please please lemme know and we can role play together!

all in all, i loved the break. and right this moment fris-kay is out somewhere getting frisky. ooh la la.

merely for illustration purposes :)

day five

2009-08-07T05:04:00.000+08:00

i've had enough of this. i gave him my piece of mind, albeit being endorsed bu substance abuse. i've had enough of this.

after 2 freaking years. or four months as HE SAID.

day one.

2009-08-04T02:57:00.003+08:00

i'm reading old msg histories on msn.

i lied. i saw him die right in front of me, it scared me that i didn't dare tell anyone about it. i'm sorry. i can still see the moment he stopped moving, dear god.

still no calls, though it's only been a day. i really don't want things to go sour, especially with the time running low. why does it keep happening to us? is it really my fault all the time? tell me that is so and i will back out and not cause u any more pain.

and to li, love the masuk air sessions we have. darus still brings mixed feelings to me actually. i love you baby.

and i love you too. just hoping that u can see it.

u just lost 5 mins of ur life.

2009-08-03T04:28:00.004+08:00

this blog is getting depressing.

i am depressing.this is depressing. my dad thinks im depressed. my boyfriend is making me depressed. i have said depressed 6 times. how depressing.

if i could delete one feeling from the world it wouldn't be 'depressed'. it would be 'bored' instead. now, thats depressing.

ok seriously. i have plenty to say but i don't feel like talking thru my fingers to an unresponsive crowd (i.e. my conscience). i need to talk to him. he who wont answer my calls. and for reasons i know why.

god this is depressing. i should just go into a hole and die for a week. then back to school. at least then there's something to look forward to.

3 years huh. who would've thought.

it's time

2009-08-01T01:24:00.004+08:00

its midterm break again.

i wonder if it can ever top off that particular one :)
we ruled the world.

when the dust settles

2009-07-29T04:54:00.003+08:00

i'm hit with a sudden pang of loneliness. i was actually having conversations in my head with another person, it won't be long til i start having an imaginary partner. god, i miss the presence of having someone around. you don't have to even look at me, you just have to be there so that i won't saturate into the cold air.

how long will this arrangement work til i find myself so lost that i cant stand it anymore? i have friends, i go out but what i need is someone at home to be. i need you right now, but i'm wondering if you need me.

i miss 7-19. i miss ixora. i miss jalan 3/3g. i miss 3/1d.

midnight matters

2009-07-28T02:38:00.003+08:00

he says that its common for the ladies to be doing such things. as much as i disagree, i don't feel like i ought to. it came up to shit of amazing proportions, one that's not easily resolved.

but as much as i wouldn't want you to walk down this road, i have faith in you. don't go there darling. its a messy messy slope down the hill.

confessions

2009-07-27T05:26:00.007+08:00

i really don't feel the same way i used to about any of you right now. before, your presence was pleasant and i did enjoyed meeting you, but right now particularly i'm just plain annoyed. big time. learn some manners, please. it's been a year and i expected to see some changes. but i guess people don't change that much, but the unfortunate thing is they get worse. or it could have just been that i tolerated you before.

it's bad enough that your words can't be trusted, but the fact that u dare to point it out to my face sets it off. i just don't like you as much anymore. but it happened mutually so i guess it's not so bad.

don't come knocking on my door again, i won't open it for you anymore. but of course, in your face everything's just fine and dandy. let's see if u can sense the subtle signs that i lay.

goodbye, and good luck. thanks for being there before, the memories were lovely but i really can't stand you now.

and if you think this is about you, it's not.

weekend wars

2009-07-26T15:55:00.004+08:00

it's been a productive few days, really. missing home wasn't that bad, for what i did here. right now, company is looking good, haven't got around on land yet though. will do that today.

yesterday's short outing was fun. went for dinner with crys to oldtown that i've been craving and a short trip to pure just to see whats happening. reminisced about the times when we once paid homage to that craphole twice a week and how things were back then. lol the things we did. didn't stay long though, the guilt for not getting back to the books kinda got to us.

oh and the oldtown incident. i didn't know they employed local workers there... up til now! the potato incident will be remembered! and now i am bothered while in bed with a phone call from home. im gonna continue waffling on the bed til i find the perfect position to curl up in. then deny myself the pleasure and wake up.

it's called practicing for self-denial.

mmmmm...

maybe i am blondie(?)

2009-07-22T23:38:00.003+08:00

having the car officially makes me a lazybumbum. i can see myself growing like one od those jelly toys that we had in out childhood, that rapidly grows when placed inside a bowl of water. man, not a good feeling at all.

i was such a ditz today, first that was the ungodly u-turn and now the whole handbrake incident. whats wrong with me today? doesn't help that i feel absolutely unmotivated to do anything at all. i feel like shit, i look like shit. but seriously, it's all by my own making isn't it. hahahah. midterms in 6 days, and the process is starting at the very least. soffieah will move out soon, and hopefully i can find someone else to fill in for her. i feel like such a nomad, having already 4 room mates in the past 3 years. i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me(?)

the persian wants to get a persian. such a good combination, i wonder how they'll take to eachother. if the day comes when he'll officially adopt a pet i think i'll probably bcut of my toe. or swear off rice for a year. or maybe just kidnap the poor thing to save it's soul.

and what is it about friends being angry and acting like bitches to the ones who actually care for them? is it hard to reflect for one minute, without all the bias and influences that are thrown at you and see what's actually what? geez man. things just keep happening this way it seems. i dont like seing her sad. i dont like seing people sad.

the con

2009-07-22T02:30:00.004+08:00

i want to whisper sweet words into his ear, say those words that are just hanging at the tip of my tongue.
i want to show him that side of me, that's just yearning to go out.
i want him to see this, and finally know what picture it paints.

and in this moment..........

2009-07-14T01:40:00.003+08:00

right now i feel like myself again (after such a long time!) :) probably the surplus of happy hormones that i got from 4 hours of futsal contributed to it, but oh how i do miss feeling this way! things have been bad, around three months had passed. in my head the issues are resolved, but i just need to take the delusion into reality. could that be done? hmm i wonder.

anyway, im enjoying my euphoric state of mind, free from any worries whatsoever. im thinking of taking in a male roommate as well, what do u guys think about that? vote yay or nay.

why don't i look at people in the eye when i talk to them anymore? something changed, lets hope right now, these few moments i am myself :)

SCREAAAAAAAAAAM FOR JOY!

i love u guys. i'm giving all my loves a mental hug, for the lack of my atoms being present at the right coordinate right now. xoxo.

P/S- this is my kind of girl.

To all that I've hurt

2009-07-11T04:22:00.003+08:00

Less Than Jake - Rest of My Life.

I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I
Saw the boardwalk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners of this town, and I...
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life

This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I feel like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for a second try
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth

It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
I've got to live with them rest of my life

This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time
And it twists like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life

If you won't forgive me
The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life...

My own words didn't come yet so I need to borrow theirs.
I'm so sorry.

the tailor

2009-07-10T03:34:00.004+08:00

i wrote a post but i deleted it.

it kills me to let my thoughts out in the open, free for everyone to see.i am a keeper, people tell me. i got into trouble in 2006 because of that, and found joy recently because of that too. why is it when u find gold shit will fall from the sky on you?

but it's not fair to say that either,in this case. i have it in my pocket. but it is always falling through the hole that i never got to mend.

slip. slip. slip.

i should do it though. i get these visions, these divine insights that tells me otherwise. but the little person in me always wins, everytime. so that leaves me faulty and i wonder how long can i stand it before i burst down and cry. when that time comes, i know when i look around, the horizon will be stretching right before me.

come back. i need you, despite it all.

2009-06-24T01:42:00.002+08:00

i just need to be stronger. i need to constantly test myself to handle the rocks thrown at me. doing the things that you hate to do, will turn out to the the best thing to do after all. i need a sign, a strength that will push me forward.

i need other things to matter so that all my scrutiny doesn't get channeled to this single thing. i need to declutter everything in my box. i need to start over and unlearn 20 years of education. i need to change. i wont even ask for help as it is something that needs to be done by myself.

funnily enough the moment when i was the most clear was that period in between. think how it used to feel jas, and try to get there.

be strong my love.

greetings

2009-06-11T20:58:00.001+08:00

i'm in paradise, yet strangely i feel terrible. i want to go home. i'm not whining, but it's just hard to bear. arrrrgh. let's hope i won'y be quarantined tomorrow.

my little bird

2009-05-15T18:48:00.001+08:00

i envy you, how those thoughts flow so smoothly out. i wonder what's bothering you right now, what drove you to write it all down in pained emotions? i miss you, i wish i could come.

in conjunction with

2009-05-11T02:40:00.001+08:00

Happy mother’s day Mak. I hope the measly card we gave you made you happy. I know it did, since u cried a bit when u got it. I love you, even when sometimes I don’t show it and mess things up beyond belief.

Over the past few years I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you. Constant worry has been your best friend next to Ayah and I feel that I'm partly to blame for that. Of all your children I suppose I'm the most troubled one. I can’t remember when’s the last time we had an honest conversation with each other, the last one being in 2006 when it happened. I miss the days when I was much younger and the things we do together. Even the grocery trips, the dinners and all. I know that you’re just mainly tired nowadays from all the workloads in your life. I'm sorry for being selfish, I'm sorry for being unkind.

I will make you proud of me one day, I will give you what you’re entitled to. What I'm doing, one day you will see and I hope u will understand it as well. I don’t rebel against you purposely; it’s just that we see things differently. There’s so many things I want to say to you, to show you how grateful I am for all that you’ve done. I'm who I am today because of you, of what you gave me. Sometimes resentment happens but in the end of the day I know who my family is.

I used to think that you’re the greatest person I know and I wanna be just like you. Things might be different now, but trust me Mak it’s not all that different. I'm sorry again for all that I’ve done, I know you don’t deserve such pains I bring you. I'm sorry. I love you.

I will try my hardest to make you proud. One day.

lazy tuesday

2009-04-28T11:38:00.003+08:00

In some cases, there is no right or wrong, there’s only what you think is right, or otherwise. Where two parties are on the opposites, you only sympathize with your side of the story. What happens to the other person? Naturally, they will sympathize with theirs. Who's a better ally then yourself and your beliefs. Nobody knows what the hell we should do here, it’s a dead end. God save us all.

Li had left for two days. I miss you babygirl. I hope u have a wonderful time, despite all that happened. Think of it this way, u get to escape the wet Malaysian heat for 17 whole days. And when u come back, I’ll be waiting here for you, arms open with breaths that are bated. :)

Tioman is canceled. I am broke and I owe people some, that's how bad my finances are. My tuition fees are not yet paid for and rentals mounting as well. Not the best predicament, as Bali is approaching and i dont think they have any money to spare as well. Time's running out, in less than a month life as I know it will change. Crys asked me once, "What happens then?" I can only say I dare not think about it, now that the circumstances are different. Imagine that, almost 3 whole years. Give me shudders whenever I think of it.

I still miss you. I hope I knew, but I don't and I can't.

tie tie.

2009-04-18T04:08:00.001+08:00

Today has been the hottest day in the history of 2009.

I managed to run away. After a day of being locked inside (purely circumstantial outcome) I have reached home safely. Since the Persian is going to be busy these few days I might as well come back and have some fun at it. Next semester things will change, he won’t be there anymore. How will I survive the majority of the week there? Let’s see how it goes.

I have this tinkering feeling of saying something out loud. But I don’t know how he is going to react to that, since the last time I did say it (albeit in a very inappropriate manner and time) it didn’t work out as I hoped it would. But I feel that I should say it anyway. Let’s wait til the time is right. Keeping up with the promise is getting tougher every single day. Its getting harder to resist the urge to not do it. Thankfully the people in my life are here to keep my mind of it. Cant say how much I love u girls <3

Oh, on another note, prom season is back again. Its that time of the year, folks! Pick up ur heels and put on the war paints, the rat race is back! Congratulations to you, in particular. Ur dream finally came true :- )

2009-04-15T14:01:00.003+08:00

it still bugs me every night. this is the first time something like this happened, i have so many things to say but i cant. in the light of day everything seems calm, but theres a storm inside of me. my thoughts are suddenly jolted back to reality sometimes, and i feel anger, sadness, hopelessness. but most of all i just miss u.

as a dear friend of mine once said, it will get better. i know it will. time will make its call.

the other side of the story is nothing but calm winds and wonderful vibes. it has never been this good, never this exhilarating, this new. i'm taken on a cruise all over again, but though some things changed some are still the same, circa 2007. both of us are trying our best and i can see him doing it for me. :)

2009-04-10T19:12:00.003+08:00

i want to run.

run as fast as i can to a place where i won't feel. good or bad doesn't matter. getting close, getting fucked, getting here, it's all bad, don't try to tell me otherwise. choices? who said u had any. if only i can make you understand.

run with me.

2009-03-02T18:32:00.003+08:00

Just a moment to breathe.

I don't want it that much anymore,but how can I say it? Screwed up again today, mother's gonna be nagging to no end. Yes, it was stupid, that's why I don't want it anymore.

Why are you so stupid?

where does the good go?

2009-02-28T05:29:00.000+08:00

Lately

I’ve been bad, really bad. Ask me why, I might not answer you.

The bitch is back and this time It made me laugh with less enthusiasm. Just when I start thinking about it as a decent human being it plummets back into being a canine whore. Good for you. Don't go against your nature now.

As for most things I do feel bad. Bad things are happening to people around me. My house has no couch and I feel a tinge of wickedness. It doesn’t help that I'm broke. Do I sound whiny? U don’t like it? F off, (with love)

To li, aa and crys, this too shall pass. Don’t do things that will turn back and poop right in your face.

On another note, what constitutes a friendship? Maybe I'm just being picky. Or I'm just lazy. Careful there, they’re not light bulbs. I miss him so much, but due to some shitty objects orbiting him I can’t do anything about it. Fuck it, natural selection doesn’t really apply nowadays. Still, I do miss him.

2009-02-11T15:27:00.001+08:00

It happened again, and I hate it. After this no more, I don't care anymore.

Bad influences? Maybe.

2009-02-04T21:14:00.002+08:00

"Those with whom you assemble you will soon resemble"

In this context I'm being very cautious. Obi crashed the car on Monday, there goes my mobility. As much as I'm angry my true feelings are being masked due to not actually seeing the tragedy. But I'm glad he is fine, albeit the idiot he is.

change

2009-02-03T13:35:00.003+08:00

Funny how a thing I so hate is currently fueling me to do things I never would. And leave things I always did. I think that it really is enough, things have been said and done and now it's at the end. I don't ever want to go there again, I never want to be thinking about it in case anything happens. Never. Ever. So please, for the sake of yourself, just do it.

Resolutions apart, I am just penniless. Theres 11 RM in my wallet and I'm too shy to ask dad for more cash. Let's just wait it out til Thursday, or he pays my loot. Whichever comes first. First day of classes was refreshing. The Tort lecturer seemed vaguely disappointing (due to her WEAK command of English) but the rest is still unknown. Seems like Aqeil is taking over Computers again, i know Sheel would have a blast. But seriously, law lecturers should know what the hell they're talking about. Acting like a pompous bitch isaccepted, as long as u know ur shit.

whole

2009-01-29T17:54:00.003+08:00

Okay, I'm ashamed for myself for exaggerating. The holidays didn't go as bad as I would've imagine it would. I'm far too lazy to describe it in meticulous detail though. The highlights would most definitely be the times spent with the wonderful people around me.

The shocker? Najwa came back! Bumped into her while out shopping with Crys and Sheel at MVM. She told me she contemplated running away, but what the hell. I know u love me too much to do it. Had a nice catching up session, it's good to see that things really don't change, even after all these years of being together. It's like, no matter where u run off to, in the end the ones closest to your heart are the ones that remain. Friends come and go, family stays.

Which opens up another issue altogether. People dearest to me would have known what happened recently, I do not want to retell the tale here. But honest to god it just kills me everyday to think about it. I do admit I'm scared, and people have many things to say about it.

"It's going to be fine."
"It's all routine, no big deal."

But... "What if?"

Ok. Moving on. Last sem marks the beginning of a streak (I hope it is!). This time, really, no more excuses! AND finally I thought of the most brilliant idea for the birthday present. Just wait and see, when everything is already planned it will come out perfectly! :)

2009-01-29T17:34:00.000+08:00

thats it. theres no hope for me anymore. :(

to fill time

2009-01-22T18:40:00.001+08:00

Sitting here waiting for Ain to pick me up. He called me this morning, and again a few hours back. Again he asked me "What are you doing?".

What am I doing? What does he mean by that? I hate it when he demeans me, so so much. It was the same thing that put me off a four years back, albeit from a completely different person. But when he says it, it seemed to be more substantial. Is there really something I can do? What does he mean.

What should i do?

2009-01-20T20:38:00.002+08:00

My heart doesn't feel right. I resented that this happened, and dad is not making it a big deal at all, it's routine enough he said. I should call Obi and ask him to come tomorrow. Presence alone is soothing right, as he had always said it.

God, please let everything fall through. I love you.

mund-ane

2009-01-12T11:31:00.002+08:00

Its 11.30 am in the morning, and here I am. After calling him to bid adieu (3 whole weeks! God, let’s hope time passes quickly enough) I'm just floating around facebook playing scrabble and browsing random photos. Off to the telly to channel-surf now.

I can see myself doing this for 3 weeks.

sale no mobarak

2009-01-05T08:40:00.002+08:00

It's 2-freaking-0-9 already. Wow, time does pass by quickly. I'm slowly coming closer and closer to changing my first digit.

But so far, I'm really not impressed with what the year had offered me. Bittersweet? Naah... it clearly was laced with ill intentions and malice. Probably not the sunniest person right now, but I do have the right of being unhappy.

2008 had been a good year. It seems like it was only yesterday that I was stressing out about the beginning of the year, and getting confused with the changing of 7 to 8. I had fell hard, through so many things. Academically, it wasn't my best yet, but that's to change soon. I'm thankful that most of the poison had slowly been sucked out from my life. Maybe I'm a better person now for what had happened, maybe not. But one things for sure, I'm not the same person who was here during the beginning of the year.

One thing did remain the same, and that is the presence of that wonderful person in my life. Though I'm just as confused now as i was before, a lot more things have became more stable. Counting the days when it will inevitably happen doesn't seem to scare me as much as it used to.

I've also met some awesome people, and though the foreign feeling still lingers from time to time, i believe when u least expected, it will definitely come out and show itself :) maybe today was a benchmark for me, i can't tell yet.

snowy

2009-01-03T21:55:00.003+08:00

We were tricked. Sanctuary has no freaking ice-bar. its just a mini-freezer which requires purchase of overpriced test tubes of failure.

But it was a great night indeed. :) I was actually through with the excitement of celebrating NYE until he called.

"Wanna go to KL?"

Nothing much was happening at Curve, my expectations were blew again. Instead of relaxing at a bar whilst waiting for the year to come by we were running all over the place deciding which place boasts the best prospects. I wanted to settle with Laundry but he was excited with the "ice-bar". MY bad for advertising falsely about it. (Still, i still think we should've gone to Laundry. At least we would have tables. And lovely, lovely margaritas and sangrias)

The bar was 10 mins late in welcoming NYE, as the fireworks had already started. It was a hoot, how people are confused. The couple behind us were apparently temperamental, one minute they're blissfully happy, the next crying in eachother's arms cooing sweet reasons. Truly the effect of alcohol at work :)

All in all, I'm glad i wasn't down there, getting sprayed by strangers (which i still think is way juvenile. Anyone above the age of 17 shouln't be playing with it) and up here instead.

Happy new year, everyone! Here's to hoping for 2009!

p/s - the car trip back was interesting. Got lost in Putrajaya AND Melaka. And of course there's that little extra something :)

dil

2008-12-28T14:18:00.001+08:00

My baby cousins are all so cute. Suddenly there is this spurt of little children coming out. Aleia and shaha are adorable, shahid, and his little brother’s super cute as well!

Im still wondering whether to see them or not. What they have done is very disrespectful, to me. Regardless of your state ur always supposed to ask first. Tomorrow is Muharram, exams are in ten days. I need to go back to Melaka.

the other side of the world

2008-10-23T04:21:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I fell asleep watching Tun Perak the musical. It was embarrassing, even more to li. The thing is, I had high expectations, I always do. And I think this is my downfall in almost every situation.

I resent that. This might sound bad, but growing up where it doesn’t compel you to do anything does u no good. Having people constantly putting you down for the things that u might even think to challenge isn’t good. Everything is too rigid, there isn’t any choice. Clear cut rules have been made, but it just wasn’t made for me.

Somehow I know I can’t blame them for everything, though as much as I want to. Do I have to live with this? Knowing there are things out there that I will never experience? See, that’s just where we are different, and somehow I think this difference is just palpable. I don’t feel any belonging, any attachments rather that what was already constituted. It’s not just them, it’s the whole bunch of them. So what is the concept for? A pre-made set of rules that seemingly makes things easier and yet it doesn’t.

God, sometimes I just feel like cutting. A sharp, fast cut.

the 100th post!

2008-10-15T06:27:00.005+08:00

rejoice, it made it this far! let's celebrate! whilei realize i don't blog as much, the fault is really just plain 'ol genetics. you see, one was not blessed with the literary gene, hence parents in banking and siblings in engineering says it all. 33 hours away to aqeil's paper, and i haven't been inspired to bury my face in the xeroxed version of the book, guess the panic hasn't really kicked in yet.

today with the boy, it struck me how much longer will we remain friends. popped the question out at an unreasonable time, hence the ignorant reply. but seriously, how long? i do hope forever is in the option, as childish as it may sound. as per moment i can't imagine not talking to him after the span of 36 hours, nanti rindu.

and what's up with her being vindictive? what are u trying to prove, girl? when ur statements are all wrong. and unnaturally the only thing spewing from your rear are those words. it kinda makes u look like a clod, don't u think? aw well, not that i care, but it's just nice to hear some mindless gossip sometimes to pass time.

so yeah, the agendas after the paper's gonna be great. i'm thinking of taking up french, as pretentious as the language may sound, its beautiful. shit, why am i in law again?

i got jittery around sorrow

2008-10-11T06:27:00.000+08:00

i felt it because i was unsure. is this the right thing to do? will it affect anything else? i knew it wouldn't happen, yet i started anyway. did that portray me as something i'm not? is it any different that we knew before it started? why the hell did i go in the first place?

le uber shit. but his body language afterwards did suggests positivity. then again, what do i know about psychology?

wait a minute, i hate psychology.

note

2008-09-17T15:16:00.002+08:00

I'm tired.

I'm tired of idling around while everything that matters pass me by. Time won't wait for u anymore, so come on, do something will you? This is the time. Theres no more contemplating, nor being dilly-dally about it. So why?

Just suck it all in, theres so much more at stake then what you're missing. Theres so much more gift and glory to losses.

dum de dum

2008-09-08T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'm in the mood to blog :D regardless that I overslept again and missed my Computer law class, it still doesn’t ruin the fact that the day is lovely and the sun still shines.

Happy, happy things had happened lately. All the past dramas and (might I even say it!) bullshit had passed, and I'm over the top that it did. But the icing on the cake would of course be… the amazing beach trip.

4 days of the pure nature. The sun, sea, and the fishes! And to a dear friend of mine, who showed me sides I’d never seen before (not so appealing now eh? Hahaha) I can’t say how happy I am to have gone on this trip with you. Funny stuff happened one after the other, the best being lost in the jungle. At least we had learned our lessons, always bring shoes, no matter what. ;) next stop… RECHARGE!

As planned, now would be the time to give it my all to my rightful cause. I made a promise to myself to make this semester better, and plenty are out there to see me do it. For the loves of my life, I shan’t fail this time. God please give me the courage and fortitude to make it happen.

absolut

2008-08-11T06:15:00.003+08:00

last night was massive, crazy fun. in a million years (sober) i would never have let it to happen right here in this vicinity, ever. apart from the inappropriate location, things were pretty damn awesome ;) to the guys, u know who u are. u guys are massive.

he popped the question last night. but this time, i realized something had changed within me, as i did not immediately jump at the chance and screamed "YES" at the top of my lungs. i do not know whether this change is good or bad, the way i'm feeling for all this, and the things that we talk about. even after 18 months, we still couldn't figure out a way to exist cohabitantly, at the very least as friends. how are we to move ahead? we took that step, and turning back was the sanest thing we ever did in a long time.

i should come up with an answer soon. my heart and my mind are not at ease, however the outcome of the decision may be.

fuck this, i need a stiff one.

condescending

2008-07-29T02:55:00.003+08:00

people always say u learn from your mistakes. honestly if someone does not learn from their past wrongs then life itself isn't worth living. so many things had been done, and nows the time to look back, and move ahead to a better direction.

now, this is specially for you. for someone who loves being treated right you have not even the slightest idea on how to treat someone else likewise. i do not expect you to like me, but please treat me with the proper respect i deserve. i regret not telling this to your face, but honest to god i will the next time i see you. you snubbed me three times, and i may not be as forgiving the next time.

love today

2008-07-18T04:36:00.001+08:00

I must admit, the deviant part of me just relishes on others’ misfortunes. Especially when it has some twist or karma involved. See, the thing that I just cant stomach is that, why, even though the circumstances are the other way around , and though I'm in the right side to be pissed, it seems to be the other way around. Frankly, since the whole thing had been resolved I did not experience any malicious ill-feelings, nor do I ever wish any evil thoughts (I’m not just saying for the sake of being noble) After uncovering some juicy nitty little details I can safely say that I was definitely the bigger person.

Karma bites u in the ass much.

Hung out with Crys dearie the other day. Girl ur getting so good in it, only a matter of time before I get my ass whupped again. People, be careful of this little lady, she packs a neat punch. And yes, scheming is mighty fun.

Another thing dear, u ain’t got no class. I should’ve listened to the warnings a year ago, but hey what doesn’t kill ya just makes u stronger innit. I just hope that you wake up from this delusion ur in, before it’s a little too late. Til then, all the best.

Watched Sex and the city movie, and Crys was right, SJP does sound whiny. I loved the series, so I feel obligated to defend her, as she doesn’t sound nearly as whiny and prepubescent as the movie portrayed. The story line was pretty good though, personally I felt it gave a nice ending and tied up all the loose ends after the season ended.

incident

2008-06-20T14:55:00.005+08:00

Cami told me this one, about how an eyebrow piercing went very very wrong. see, there was this girl, and she got one, thinking it'd look awesome cool on her (which, imho does look cool for certain people). And one fine day, the stub fell off and there was a white thread sticking out from the hole. thinking it was just a normal thread, the girl soon began to pull it out and then bamm! she was blind, just like that.

See, the seemingly innocent white thread was actually one of her optical nerves. That just sounds super freaky, if u ask me.

To crys, go kick-ass at the dinner. :)

ANDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN the obligatory countdown. A bit more than 24 hours more to go, i'll be seeing my baby home. Yay! Let's just hope i have enough cash on me to handle everything for Sunday. On another note, I wonder if I'll be seeing her tonight there.

Urbanscapes coming up next week.. paintballing next month... (supposedly) beach trip in august... man, this calls for some more savings. Good thing my plans of having a single meal per day is actually a breeze. It's like killing two birds with one stone, haha! God, i love that phrase.

2008-06-18T03:09:00.003+08:00

First and foremost, I do not bear any ill-intentions to anyone

But its just-- ok, I'm gonna go straight out and say it. I'm fucking free and bored out of my wits for it.

There. You guys happy now? God is officially unfair.

And i miss him. Rindu rindu rindu rindu!!! Please, come Sunday. Why does 4 days feel like forever when ur waiting for something good? :(

there is no end to this.

2008-06-18T02:42:00.002+08:00

Short update on the hols. The sem has started since a few days ago, i can't remember.

Week 1 : Gym gym gym. Sweating like a pig in hopes of not turning into one. Did it work? I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea.

Week 2 : the long awaited east coast trip. Spent great time with mom dad and brothers. Thats the only plus-side to it, the rest was shit. The coastline was murky; the only time i get to see some decent sea was by the road 3 hours before Awana. 5-star hotel my ass. But it's all good. Oh, was sick.

Week 3 : Sick. spent it at home (not) sleeping and both contemplating and dreading my return to Malacca. For various reasons.

SO, now that I'm here theres no escaping reality again. Gotta get my grades up by a whole fucking point. Study more so I don't look like an ass when someone asks me whats my major. Try to readjust life with the juniors in the house. OH, did I forget to mention that I'm living in the reminiscence of 2 years back, where everything was new and misplaced. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? The best thing is I'm starting to open up to the new roomies. Well, at least i knew their names and try to talk to them on a daily basis, thats a good start, no?

Anthony Robbins has been my new hero, every night he sleeps next to me lovingly putting ideas in my head. And I'm also missing Moji teribbly. The scary thing is i find myself thinking about him more often these days, his calls makes me happy, talking to him feels so good. I feel relieved and scared at the same time. Could this be it?

Note to self : Don't ruin it.

Tomorrow will be a great day, the sun is still gonna shine and your pathetic presence in this world will still remain insignificant. Amen to that.

p/s - another note to self. Save up some money, u ain't got no dollars in ya bank account nemore.

ouch.

2008-05-27T17:15:00.002+08:00

I know exercise is supposed to be good for you, but I swear to god right now every single muscle and joints in my body is sore. Yeah, blaming it all on my long hiatus from the world of physical activities. The only thing closest to exercising I've been doing for the past 3 months was well, it might not be appropriate to jot it down here.

I'm on a mission, to lose all the flabby bits by the end of the holiday. No, it's not that impossible, just extremely hard. Finding yourself searching for snacks at 3am in the morning ain't a very good sign for someone who's trying to lose weight. But i will not falter. Gotta get this bod ready for the summer beach getaway! Terengganu, here I come! ;)

2008-05-19T05:54:00.001+08:00

I feel like getting a lomo. Then i can go snap snap snap at random things and claim to be artistic. But yet again I'm broke.

That's just the reality.

heart of the matter

2008-05-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

I have a huge problem. My English proficiency is just going down. I mean real bad down, like newton’s apple falling from the tree down. Just down. It has affected both my speech and writing, and no, I'm not saying I was the best speaker before this but its just gotten really affected (by what, I have no idea!)

Even he had realized it too.

Anyway, for the week-gap between the horrible paper and the next one I'm just staying back here in Subang. Told mom I’ll be back today, so she called me at 2pm to ask where I was (see, I was supposed to already be in KL at this time). No surprise there, I was still in bed.

Anyway, nothing really interesting happened lately. Life had been a constant monotone. Three items on the list : sleeping, eating, studying. Thankfully I’ve been camping over at Moji’s for the past month, so at least there was a person I could bug whenever I want ;)

The last big thing was Tiesto, and then there were the exams. There was this couple of girls I met at the rave, lovely girls, both of them. Went and hung out with them yesterday, it was fun. But, it was too bad I couldn’t stay longer cause there would be noone to send me back to Subang if we went to Sugar. I wish I had my own rides at this time, or at the very least a driver to pick me up here and there (haha, dream on!)

I miss Li, but she’s away in Australia right now, and apparently head over heels with some chick (yes, not dude). Hurry up and come home babe, I nak dengar ur cerita! (and I need to tell u some ceritas as well) I miss Naj but she’s also away at Perhentian. I miss Ain and Nad but they’re both currently not available!! God, where is everyone? There are 26 mil people in Malaysia and I’m sitting in my house alone right now. Even my parents social calendar is marked more than mine. Sheesh, that’s depressing.

Til next time. Hopefully by writing here more I can imporove -- sorry, repair my English.

what a scummy -man

2008-04-28T05:07:00.000+08:00

I wrote a dear jane’s letter, regarding what happened. Halfway through finishing it I realized it really doesn’t matter anymore.

Things happen, and yes, it’s disheartening to see it go down that way. But what it has shown me was far more valuable then the time spent getting into a slump over it. Some things are clearly not worth it, and this is just one of them. As for now… I can’t tell what's going to happen next, but I seriously don’t care.

It was not the theft that saddened me (okay. I didn’t suffer any loss, and frankly from the beginning I really do not care about it. That should explain why I didn’t ask you for the updates on it, I know what was happening anyway.) at first I couldn’t believe that you had accused me of doing it, and regardless of what u said ; that it was just a suspicion, u were pretty damn certain about that suspicion to actually act on it. Don’t give me bullshit on the police, they’re crap. I meant the things you yourself did.

What u said don’t correlate to each other, and the way u had acted towards me was; sorry to say, completely bitchy. You left me hanging, no explanations no justifications whatsoever to the way you acted. you made me doubt the things that I didn’t do.

I was resentful. I was bitter. But now I'm really just glad it happened. As you have surely put the quote out, no man can hide behind his mask forever. Thank you for showing me what you really are. And thank you dear, for putting up with my baseless rants and feeble emotional breakdown.

Okay.

Now it’s time to move on to better things. Breaks coming soon, can’t wait to spend time slaving at the gym. FREEDOM’s next week, it’s gonna turn out to be awesome. ;)

But reality hits hard, finals before everything. How the hell are u supposed to digest 12 weeks worth of lectures in 12 days. God bless me.

2008-04-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

It's done.

rushed ambiguity

2008-04-14T03:23:00.002+08:00

Seemed like I'm only motivated to blog after a long weekend had happened.

Well, a pretty rapid week for me. Assignments (albeit undone, ehem), midterms, debating and a whole lot of other internal dramas.

I realized plenty of things, realized a lot of things about the people I'm with. Lets narrow it down to more specifics, Moji and I are back together. Well, it might not be the most perfect relationship out there, but its pretty darn good.

Realized that I have plenty of caring, loving friends here who really give a shit about me. To you crys, thanks so much. U have no idea that the things u do sometimes really saved my life.

And theres this other issue that I fear will turn out to be Dan version 2.0. No, it's not going to go down that road again, trust me. Fooled me once, shame on you, fooled me twice, shame on me.

And.............. the new love-hate thing I'm involved in......... debating!

Every weekend tourney just kills me. Mentally, and physically draining, and the timing for this couldn't have been worse. The certain drama with that certain boy just had to happen before, during and after and things are very awkward right now. I have two choices... pretend it never happened, or actually realizing that it's a problem and do something about it. Clearly, the first method doesn't work.... but doing something about it will be tough. And it will mostly fall on me. How bad do I want this? I don't know.

Overall, surprisingly my current situation is filled with dramas. I remember the days when stoicism was the only principal around, but I think I'm liking this change. Gone are the days when all u can do is run, this time I'll look at it at the eye and challenge it at my phase. Life's my bitch, not the other way around.

here comes the sun, little darling.

2008-03-28T04:42:00.000+08:00

It has been a bumpy week. I could see it coming from a mile away, right after stepping foot into this place again.

Two out of three midterms were done in a nonchalant, half-asleep manner, in which I credit my sudden irregular sleeping habit and constant headaches for.There are also the mysterious skin rashes which appear at random places on my limbs, unexplainable to their cause that’s been causing me to wonder what my body is trying to tell me.

Then there is the whole charade with that particular person, which had been resolved in the best manner for both of us. Things are good now between me and Moji, and honestly I couldn’t ask for a better ending of a chapter that will open up a newer, better chapter for both of us. The break-up had been prolonged, and though I have chosen the worse timing possible to bring it up… somehow we managed to make sense of it. actually, he did, and I'm glad that it happened.

Had another phone call from mom last night, and as usual, it ended up with both sides getting frustrated. Family matters rarely bother me, but these days it seem to have taken a place in me. Places I never knew existed, places I didn’t know could irk me so much. I hate it when each time we hang up, or finish a conversation my heart just feels like it’s leapt out, beating so hard that it constraints my chest and I have this incontrollable restlessness. Sure, It dies off after a while and apologies were conveyed, but yet when we talk again the same thing happens, over and over again like a fucking cycle. I hate to sound immature but I hate that I have no cards to play, nor a say in the things that matters to me at all.

Another thing that irked me in particular was how I'm lagging a lot behind in my relationship with my friends. To tell the truth honestly I miss them, and I feel like there are a lot of things that I’ve missed lately. I had a bad hunch upon waking up today, and true enough things weren’t exactly golden. Started with the mids, then there’s the slight feeling of being left out, and to put the icing on the cake there was inadequacy.

A lot of people had asked me to stop this habit of inhaling filth to my lungs, allowing it to contaminate myself and releasing an even deadlier air to my surroundings. One even threatened me of bodily harm so that I’ll curb it. But as sad as it is to say, that’s pretty much the only solace I run to for refuge these days. It feels good, and wrong at the same time that it’s utterly comforting. Somehow that didn’t make any sense at all, but it just feels right.

Anyway, I don’t know what’s up with you, or what has been bothering you. But I do know that if you have some dissatisfaction in me, it would really be appreciated if the feeling is conveyed to me.

Here’s a toast to make tomorrow better.

2008-03-23T04:23:00.003+08:00

Everyone should just be themselves, get rid of all the unnecessary influences that surrounds you. YOU are a great person, and if people can't accept that then screw them.

Anyway, <48 hours to my first midterm and I'm basically freaking out in denial. This time, even Vivek had studied way before me. Don't think I can just wing it this time but I might get lucky... let's see what tomorrow brings.

addiction

2008-03-19T02:36:00.001+08:00

It’s awfully lonely when you dial someone’s number, expecting to hear their voice and that alone is enough to comfort you and the only thing you can hear are empty dial tones.

Why can’t I write about happy things, about happy times, about the things that makes me smile. Have I turned to someone who needs pain to function? I keep on thinking many many ways of making myself unhappy, to create more problems, but never the solution.

That lead to the realization that I'm very, very messed up for no good reason. But there is nothing in the world that would make me admit it, ever. Someone, please hear my plea, guide me through this, anyone. I beg you, please.

it's like kissing an ashtray

2008-03-12T20:56:00.000+08:00

It’s been raining too much nowadays; this kind of weather is practically killing me. It’s proven that the amount of rain is relative to the degree of depression amongst the people. This needs no further explaination.

Plus the fact god placed me in sunny (repeat; sunny) Malaysia proved one thing; I am not fit for cold un-tropical weather. Last year it was just the second semester, now it seemed to have lasted longer and longer. I won’t be surprised if it started raining tomorrow – oh wait, we already had a hailstorm.

On another hand, I managed to get myself into the upcoming National Novice Debate Championship, happening this weekend at UITM Shah Alam. Yes, yet another chance for me to gag and choke, not just in front of thirty people, but maybe around three hundred. Hooray. But there is one person I wish to impress on the day, I'm hoping that that’s enough motivation and driving force for myself J

AND Ixora boys are complete idiots. I just cant understand why they would throw water-bombs on the pathway. Not only its noise pollution, it just defeats the whole purpose of them having the pathway ; to not get me wet. Fucking bastards, now everyone will get wet walking there, thanks to these certain individuals. Tu lah… mak suruh belajar elok-elok kat sekolah dulu takmau, then masuk MMU buat hal. Kalau menyusahkan diri sendiri je takpe, ni susahkan orang lain pulak. Bodoh.

Ok, time for an important announcement:

To whom it may concern : I will be on holiday starting on the 17^th,for a whoooooooole week. Let’s make loooooooooooooove til we drop dead and crave for a breath of air! : D

wohoo.

2008-03-11T03:18:00.001+08:00

The boyfriend.

Yes, I very seldom talk about him. I wonder why to myself, because all around me words about their significant other seems to roll very easily down their tongues and into the ears nd minds of others. And yet, for myself, that doesn’t seem to be the case, ever.

But then again, I think about it deeply and it hits me hard, that I don’t normally talk about the things that matters to me. To people, that might seem like distance, dishonesty, and lying even.

I'm out of practice. I don’t trust easily nor do I like to parade myself and let myself be judged and vulnerable. Sometimes I'm scared shitless of what people might make of me, my character and what is stand for. I know that we should be proud of what we are, cause, face it, each and every one of us are great, just brilliant. But sometimes I find it hard for myself to believe in it. I find It hard to think that anyone would find me interesting, or be intrigued by me. I find it hard to know that someone is willing to listen to me, and my words actually have any meaning to them.

Maybe this is what they call a low self-esteem. Or maybe a bad case of inferiority complex, or whatever it is that people label them.

But one thing I know for sure, is that I don’t want these tagged on me anymore. I want to be the kind of person I can be, the kind that I'm trying to be even half-heartedly. It has been long enough for me to be making excuses for myself and hiding in the pits of denial.

It’s time. Everyone knows we hate weaklings.

2008-03-03T13:19:00.003+08:00

if i fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
and help me understand
'cause i've been in love before
and i found out love was more
than just holding hands.

i'm sorry for myself. i'm sorry for not being the person i was meant to be. i'm sorry for letting you down.

i'm sorry.

i can't express my worries through words, i can't figure out the right literature for it. i can't make up my mind, on what i want and what the shit is all about. this drives me into confusion, despair. and it's all my own doing. i'm sorry.

CST

2008-02-06T00:52:00.000+08:00

I love love love love love shopping.

But I hate the repercussions that came with it ; the loss of valuable cash. Fuck sales. Fuck living in Malaysia where sales are always on. Fuckfuck.

Anyway, not so much interesting things had happened to me these few days, but one very awesome thing had happened. The person staying with moji left last Thursday, and basically now I have him all to myself, again! No don’t get me wrong, I'm not the possessive type, but well, I love it.

Apart from that, gained a few pounds yet again, classes had started again, pangs of insecurities hit me again, found some new friends again, the usual things that happens in this whirlpool we call GROWING UP.

But I do have decided on one thing, that I officially hate Malacca. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with the quaint little state that has nothing except burger stalls in every corner (quoting a person I knew long ago), but honestly, spending money here is equivalent to feeding it to donkeys. Its that useless.

So being the brilliant person that I am, realizing that I can not run away from spending, have devised an awesome plan. Comeback and spend money here, in the city, where it won’t be like feeding the donkeys; rather the mouths of greedy capitalists instead. ;) oh wait, is there a difference? Hmm.

Hopping onto another train of thought, I love those conversations I have with li. I know she doesn’t agree on me on a lot of things, but hearing things from someone else who is so strong with their thoughts makes it a good pondering material. And I finally get to meet Sufiey, haha. And from what I have heard on the guy for so long, it is a relief to see the guy in person. Li, you’re lucky, he’s so adorable!

And I wanna do yoga classes.

machine

2008-01-28T01:47:00.000+08:00

I feel like I am drifting away, from all and everyone that I once knew. I feel that there is a change, an inevitable one that is happening at this very minute, and as much as I am anticipating it, I get pretty terrified about it.

What is it about change? Why is this process so necessary for everything that lives. Why must it happen sometimes, without warning?

I’m afraid of leaving the life I once knew for the life I want. I'm afraid of the comments, criticisms and probably disdain of loved ones. I'm scared of the views of people and their gossiping. I'm terrified that there will be hardships, obstacles along the way of change. I'm afraid of many things, but in the end I guess I'm most scared of fear itself.

Fuck you jasmine.

2008-01-24T02:41:00.000+08:00

I'm bored lah.

I wanna take up some hobby, some sort of sports. Had rock climbing and surfing in mind... but. Well, considering the fact that both sports are quite inaccessible, both geographically and financially, I just decided to let the idea into the back drawer of my mind. Some other day.

Quite disappointed with my results, had them checked and... well, it ain't what I expected. My logical side expected a fail, but thank god I managed to wiggle my way through. My pride wanted to maintain a reasonably good result, but well.. we can't have all we want :(

I sangat kecewa okay.

luck

2008-01-22T01:27:00.000+08:00

have u ever wondered how much god loves you, and how much it was taken for granted?

well... i lost my wallet (again) , and though the person took all my money inside, all the more important things are left untouched. funny thing is, the same thing had happened 3 years ago, and i did not lose anything as well.

what i'm trying to say is, i am an extremely lucky person. no, not in the kind where u find money everywhere you go, but more of the harm doesn't c0me to me sort. for example, if, under any other circumstances the same things were to happen to other people, probably they wouldn't be so lucky. i admit, i'm blatantly nonchalant, reckless, unorganized, careless and all the other things associated with not being careful. but somehow, someway things always manage to sort itself out to bring me the least possible harm. i'm surprised i wasn't killed and tossed in a gutter, the countless times i have took the back alleys. the house didn' t burn down because i left the hair iron on, for hours. (ala friends). how i didn't get run over by a speeding car the times i crossed the road without looking.

god, i really need to change. it has been enough. losing close to rm500 just for being stupid does not justify anything but idiocy and carelessness.

:(

ancient

2008-01-16T06:44:00.000+08:00

Flipped through my old blog, circa senior year. My god I really was weird, and incredibly stupid as well. There were a lot of terrible decisions I had made, and as much as I feel regret, I realized there isn’t a point to think too much about it. Sure, I can dwaddle around on it, or I can just laugh at myself (like I will do, if I ever read this blog in years to come) and try to take life as a joke. Somehow the latter sounds better J such is a life.

On a happier note, I got a very pleasant surprise this morning. Was woken up with a phonecall from Kuta Beach, Bali Indonesia. No prize for guessing who called : ) that was the highlight of my day, and I am looking forward for his return this weekend. Oh joy! Precious, precious joy.

I need a haircut, and evaluate my physical condition. Its kind of deteriorating these days, with the frequent sudden lethargy. And don’t get me started on my back, honest to god it’s killing me. If the small piece of information I read years ago; that a person who sleeps less than 5 hrs every night will ultimately have a shorter lifespan is true, then I should be writing my death wills now.

I should be going to bed. Its 7am and I’m supposed to be in bed hours ago. Meeting classmates later, for a chill session and I’m looking forward to that. Just hope that I would be able to wake up.

How much does hypocrisy affect your life? Is disregarding the truth, so that it wouldn’t cause anyone any harm a form of one? What if u do the wrong things, but for the right reasons, then does it make what u do, wrong? Or right?

wonderful.

2008-01-14T03:28:00.000+08:00

im like, such a loser like, omigawd i can't believe it.

a week has passed, every day spent tidur, bangun, tidur, bangun, makan, tidur.

what happened to "going to the gym everyday so i can have hot jessica alba body" ??? or, "study for 3rd sem incase i fail" or "go stalk cute guys everyday at the mall"????

..ok. maybe not the last one. but i tell ya, if i find one irresistible yummy male specimen, i will stalk him. and have his babies. no, i'm serious. producing good-looking kids is like winning the lottery. u can always sell them off if they make too much noise.

anyway, bro went back to college. that means the week of paradise-like-having-the-freedom-to-use-the-car-whenever-i-want period is over. what did i ever do to deserve this????

oh, wait. i know. being born second, explains everything :(

i wish i was somewhere else right now. the house is annoying me, i absolutely abhor (ok maybe not to that extent. but it is a strong feeling of dislike) the large space and clutter. this week only i managed to lose my sock every single fucking day. im too used to having a small space for me to mess up.

let's see, my life is such a routine i developed psychic powers. i am now able to predict what's happening tomorrow(and probably the following week, too). wake up post-noon, have lunch, watch movies, jogging, read shantaram, eat dinner, argue with dad over tv, lose, get pissed off, read shantaram again, bid everyone goodnight, stay up, update (boring) blog, see the sun rise, sleep.

yes. yes. YES!!!

wonder how bali is like? raining everyday? brother asked me to not be with him anymore because he is buncit.

money

2008-01-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

bet you're all bored of hearing me ramble on about shopping.

too bad tho, im gonna rant on just a little bit more. mom said i spent a lot (which is true. but i have a different reason for it, lazy to get into the reasons here), and ask me to be more like bro. 3 hours later, bro bought a rm259 football jersey.

mom didn't say anything.

hello, i spend a lot, but in moderate amounts over a period of time. brother blows HUMONGOUS amounts of money, in one go. there is no bloody difference in the amount we spent. fuck, i never bought anything above rm300. its goddamn unfair.

anyway, tired now. will write later about ismail's party.

and i missed iranian on ym. fuck, why did i have to go out?

jude is sizzling.

2008-01-12T02:57:00.001+08:00

been watching a lot of movies recently. its a good thing that we have video rental services, or i wld have been too lazy to download them.

most recent would be breaking and entering, starring jude law and juliette binoche (jude has a talent to act as an unfaithful man, dont u think? no man that good-looking can stick to one woman i guess. haha) and i thought that it was really good. the whole theme of the movie was about how we need to break things first sometimes, before we can actually fix them. it starts a conversation about how we don't look, or talk to eachother , and we think that things are fine. i'm good, she's good, we're good. then in the end we turn and look, and we realize theres a big gap between us. i personally like this scene.

theres a lot more in the movie, which i can't really figure out yet. the ending is pretty unreasonable, illogical (tho it was, well, happy) i need to watch it again.

actually, my thoughts are kind of scattered right now. in between trying to think of the movie, i was also thinking of this new book i'm reading. its called shantaram. written by an australian ex-convict, who escaped from a maximum security prison in new zealand, and now he currently lives in the slums of bombay. it's really interesting, in a sense that its very, very honest. its a tale of his life, and his thoughts, and it makes me think, of the things that actually matter in life.

yes, i adore stories that deals with criminals, how life is with these people who involve themselves with matters on the wrong side of the "law". more than anything else in the world, it shows the true nature of humans. the most raw, and purest form of humans. sure. of course, there is the highly stylized, almost grandeur appearance of criminals, with all the guns, and the whole coolness of being an outlaw that often attracts people to it. but it think it is more than just that, way more. i'm not saying that i understand, nor do i wan't to be a part of it. but i like how they put perspective in life. how without all the other "distractions"; and the freedom (in a sense) that they have. the slightest mistake in judgment, the way of acting, how every split second decision is well to say, life changing. the kind of experiences that makes u realize the things in life. love, respect, forgiveness, even god. god.

i don't know. its very complicated for me to explain it all here, and also very personal. but i do wonder about it sometimes. but of course these experiences relates to all of us, criminals or not.

................

ok. back to petty things.

i want to lose weight. cutting down carbs will help me lose 20lbs (thats around 9kgs). but i surely don't have the willpower to do so. or the motivation.

i don't think i'm spending too much money, am i? as of now, i owe the ptptn board 15ks. it's not wrong to want to enjoy while i can, isn't it? yeah, there is some truth to their words, but i myself have my own opinions on it.

and come saturday, will be able to see most of them again at atikah's beau's birthday party. it's been a while. also, went shopping today. blew rm200, but i must say the haul is pretty awesome too. 2 tops, 4 necklaces and 1 short pants. not too shabby eh, my shopping skills.

maybe i'm going back to malacca on monday, just to accompany crys to ger her muet forms. and maybe we will go to the office.

2008-01-09T04:28:00.001+08:00

oh. cheers.

today marks two years from the first mistake i ever made.

i'm tired

2008-01-09T04:09:00.000+08:00

i'm quite the pretentious liar aren't i?

most of the time, the entries only make it as far as being written. honest thoughts about everything under the sun, the people in my life, ideas, even that green ball on my table (which i stole. by the way) make it only as far as just being thoughts. never making it into print, never with evidence. suppose this is my self-defense mechanism, a way to mask myself. then whats the point of all the valued praises of self-expression? how is one to know me? how about the resolve i made in tears, to fucking be more honest faced with the most undesired outcome?

in a way, it sucks being home. but the sense of familiarity and purpose here made me tick, yes it does so well. funnily, 18 months ago i hated this situation, my thoughts went stagnant, numb. but as it is today, it made me realize plenty more things, sure they are different from the ones conjured up im malacca (where it mainly consists of petty ways to pass time, the building of relationships and ways to act) but i suppose the ones here have a more profound meaning. but then again, both seems to be the opposite side of the coin, i guess. each equally important to myself. but... for a strange reason i feel a sense of calmness here. purpose, but also mixed in with a feeling of being trapped.

as much as i love the people who brought me into this world, i could not (i tried, believe me god i did, maybe not as strongly and full of conviction, but i did try. i did and found out it was not for me) live like them. ideas, culture, life,( although i know these thoughts might change even with the discovery of a mere single new idea), all different. its just different. and how i wish i could make them see, make them understand and accept it, but the fear of breaking their tender hearts overpower it. sure, im trying, in my own pathetic little way. but i guess its acceptable to give it time, and just show them how it is. funny, someone mentioned i was dumb,c0mpletely idiotic for wanting them to know these parts of my life. but, i guess it was rather foolish of myself.

god, im so tired of being in a facade. part of me wants to break free, another just quivers in pathetic fear. at this age, it almost seems bizzare for me to be uttering sighs of depression, with all the possibilities around me. experiences waiting to be discovered. sights, smells, textures, all the glorious senses waiting to be aroused. so why am i shaking, shaking so badly that i can't move? why?

i do realize i'm not the one to act alone. and it is sad to think that perhaps i hate the closest ones i seem to have now, it bores me to bits.

i don't write much

2008-01-07T03:59:00.000+08:00

why can't you
have what you want
why won't you
want what you have.

similarities in abundance
no intervention.
ego? class? hypocrisy?
fear.

all that i ask from you
contentment, bravery, sense,
intelligence.

and you shall be.

randomity

2008-01-07T00:38:00.000+08:00

fourteen year-old brother was rummaging through the free leaflets in don't panic, and they gave away free promotional condoms for the world aids day. he was figuring out what they were.

dad saw it and started to freak out, asking obscure questions like "what is that" "where did u get it?"

sangat kelakar ;)

jimmy baby

2008-01-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

so in love with the soundtrack from the movie, across the universe.

funny thing la, went to see the movie, didnt expect it to be ...a musical. but, jim sturgees is so hot, and hes worth the whole 2 hours sitting in the blistering cold.

sangat very the fucking sizzling hot.

see, why can't i find myself a cute british dude like him and settle down? i would do it in a heartbeat. make that half.

anyway. nw that the holidays are started, i find myself with an abundance of time. u knw hw they always say that time is golden? anyone wanna have my time, and give me moolah instead.

okay, so im home . will be here til the end of the month. siapa mau hangout, any time, pls, do not hesitate to give me a buzz ;)

2007-12-28T00:27:00.000+08:00

my memory will fail me someday, maybe. so i better write up on that day :)

the plan was to watch avp, but seeing as it was a public holiday, i was pretty sure that there wouldn't be any tickets at all, and seeing as he wanted to take a cab there it seemed pretty stupid. so i went ahead and rented a car, and thank goodness the lady had one available (it was the last one :D somehow i am convinced that i am very lucky). drove to mbo, which, of course was full. decided to wander off to mp instead...

...and somehow we ended up in starbucks. the place where we had our first date, somwhere in february i guess. sat near the exact same place, but the difference is now i am a different person, and he is a year older hahaha.

walked around for a bit, and he swears he won't come shopping with me ever again. (yeah, but it was okay for him to browse around, kan?) later decided on where to have dinner, and since his meat-craving side came out, tried to find places where they served steak. ended up in asian havana cafe, and i was so glad he liked it. funny thing was, i don't remember why i never told him about the place before.

well, to tell the truth, i would rather bring him to nicer places, but as we are in malacca, we will just have to make do with what we have. hopefully soon, i will be able to do all the best things for him.

went back to his place, and had our little celebration :)

had cake, took a few pics and the funniest thing happened. shall not be mentioned here for my safety tho ;) got him a book, and the shirt that he had been eyeing for a few times. baby i'm so glad that u liked it. was contemplating pf getting him perfume instead but that can wait.

babe,

i like you a lot. sometimes, when i think about it , i have the idea that it could just be the fact that i am used to having you around, but then sometimes i think that its real. i know how you feel towards me, and its just hard sometimes. but let's not think about the future too much, shall we. let's just enjoy now. and right now, i am totally head over heels with you <3 you're a wonderful guy, and i really appreciate the fact that you open up to me, and accepts me as i am, though u are a very different person from me. and i know u wish sometimes i am more mature, grown up, probably a woman and not a girl. through all the screw-ups i made, ur able to look past it and give me another chance. i will make myself better, not just for ur sake, but for mine also. right now, i can't think of anyone else to be around with, to spend my time with, to hang out with, to tell things to, to worry and be happy with. ...though you look (and act) like one bodoh sometimes, i still like you!

self-explainatory

2007-12-27T21:33:00.000+08:00

being sick sucks.

now excuse me while i hibernate for another twelve-hours.

pro-cras-ti-na-tion

2007-12-25T02:55:00.000+08:00

merry christmas everyone. to the ones who sent me text messages, thanks, but i seriously don't know who 012 is.

okay.
something is wrong here.

i stayed back in malacca, over the long weekend (friday-tuesday). instead of going back, celebrating eidul adha, abang li's engagement, quality family time and (probably) partying on xmas eve and so on, i decided to stay here. in malacca.

why? did i lose my mind?

no. i wanted to study. (oh yes i wanted so badly)

and after 4 days have passed,i should at least finish up on the human rights presentation, with full texts and commentaries, and kowtim a few chaps of labour law. am i right.?

.....hahaha.

let's be realistic. i suck.

so it's christmas eve. AND (today, if u wanna be technical) it's moji's birthday. yay. so people, try and guess whats the difference between my boyfriend and jesus ;)

anyway, gonna celebrate it tomorrow, i hope things will go well. i seriously couldn't plan anything. wanted to "surprise" him with something. had ideas of sexy lingerie and/or a strip dance, but realized i wasn't feeling sexy. had ideas of the whole shnizz (rose petals, wine and all) but i don't have a key to his place. had ideas of a romantic dinner but i'm broke. had ideas of doing something fun, but i realized that we are in our exam week. and fun isn't one of the staples.
fuck mmu.

got him a book. don't know whether it was a right thing to get him, but i like the idea of him reading a book with his face all frowned trying to concentrate. super cute.

all the clubs in malacca is full today. hahaha. cube was like another station 3, cinabengs and rempits who should belong in hang tuah mall instead. not going there again.

okay. time to deactivate myself and get ready to study (for real) tomorrow.

and danial, all the best in china. come back with heaps of money and swoon dasha off her feet.

i'm broke.

2007-12-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

people keep on saying that, i keep on saying it so many times. but seriously, this spending habit is getting a bit out of control.

i withdrew rm300 today.

and theres less than rm50 left.

what the fuck did i do?? i don't even know.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

by this rate, all the ptptn money would have lesap into thin air. and i will be penniless!!

shopping will be hiatus until next break. even online ones

butiwanthtecardiandthattopandthatjeans

been spending the past week with moji when finally last night i left him alone to continue with his studying. sometimes i can't help but feel like i am disturbing him when i'm around. i sleep, i laze around and i don't do anything. some motivation eh? :(

went back to KL this morning. was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that i spent a lot. and got moji's present for him. hope he will like it. went to bangsar, and i never realized it was such a high-end place. fuck, no place for a student like me to be roaming around.

but it's good motivation to earn a lot later on.

there is this chaos inside of me. it's coming out from uncertainty and worries. about life, love, and other things. i screwed up sometime ago, and it came back to haunt me as i did yet another bad choice. i don't want to be that kind of person, but the fact is already did it. what i can do now is just to make sure things don't go as ugly as it did.

i miss the things that everyone is doing, but don't talk about it.

:)

itch

2007-12-21T03:06:00.000+08:00

its 3am in the morning and the mokgobjas down the road are still partying. i can hear the music clearly from 3 houses away. best part is they play the first 10secs of each song and then change it. bodoh.

to sha, im really really sorry for canceling out last minute. i know its very frustrating when someone does that and i know this isn't the first time i did it, i'm so sorry. it won't happen again, i promise.

p/s - iranian looks so good with formal clothes wei. so yummy yummy til can strip him off and eat him raw - w - <3

and the itch is back. fucking itch. FUCKING ITCH. this is where my willpower comes in.

want

2007-12-20T16:53:00.000+08:00

any of u want to know the feeling of torture? i am not proud to say, but i did experienced it last night, and i can tell u how it feels.

it is when u itch, but there is no way u can ever scratch, or touch the place that itches.

i tell you, that IS the worst feeling in the world. both pysically and mentally.

just thinking about it makes my buluroma meremang. brrrrr!

anyway, went to DP(again) to try to find another pair of jeans. hey, it is the sales season, and all the pre-exam tension is catching up to me, i need a place to release, no? what better way than to have (imaginary) retail therapy, and i also wntd to spend some time with that handsome iranian boy. sad enough, didn't get any nice buys, as the stores here didn't carry bigger sizes for me. bodoh kn? they think all malaysians are stickthin and cardboard-like ke?

but as i was walking around, saw something i really liked. now people, i don't usually do this, but seeing my birthday is coming round the corner this february... around the ninth of the month... and you know, as the kind and thouhgtful person i am, i would like to save u guys the trouble of finding me a present... may i recommend you something?

!!! retailing at roxy stores near you(DP) at only rm 189.90 !!!

so very the lawa, blood red colour with quilted heart-shaped design and stuff. with the perfect size (not too small, and not too big like an oversized carrier) and got the buckle thingy at the front. cantiiiiiiiik!!

....but anyway, this is just a recommendation. feel free to get me anything else :) but hey, i do recommend u guys get this one. it will make me extremely happy.

hehe. sorry a bit mukatakmalu.

missed cube last night because i just came back from dinner, and when i read the msg it was a bit too late. heard some things happened, but hey V, just explain everything to her, i'm sure she will appreciate your honesty. and she is a nice, wonderful girl, she will understand. besides, it will always be better to hear things from you yourself, however bad it will be rather than coming out of someone else, whose words may be twisted by malicious intentions. i wish u all the best, dude.

anywayyyyyysssssssssssssssssssss heard from crys the delusion of some people. i guess when someone has too many shadows hiding in their closets, every single statement that mirrors their behaviour, however minute it is stings them like a poisonous venom. as accurately depicted in the malay proverb, siapa makan cili, dia yang terasa pedasnya.

thats why... didn't your mothers ever told u guys to be nice to everyone? live a life with a clear conscience and clear mind? see, now, at the beginning of ur life, where all u actually need to worry is to grow up and study, theres just way too much things to cloud your mind. i pity these people. pity, don't hate.

and i should be studying, or at least get ready for the presentation tomorrow. but i feel so demotivated, even with the iranian sitting infront of me studying.

i guess i need the push. or desperation, or both. :(

merge them baby

2007-12-19T03:02:00.000+08:00

i finally popped the giamungous zit on my left cheek. man, the thing is just uglorrendous, its not the cute pink shade that its supposed to be but a dark maroon greyish dead colour. but i think the core is still inside, too scared to press it harder. damn pain wei.

and for the second consecutive day, i went to jogging. made a promise to myself (and one other person) that i will lose my tummy by the end of beta. why? cos i wanna be hot. how? by jogging and doing ab practices everynight :)

and i just blew all seven rounds and 100 situps by eating a plate of oily greasy plate of char kuey teow. (that wasn't even all that nice, but i ate it all anyway. retardation)

but. WHY the hell do all my friends have to be on holiday now? keep getting sms-es asking to hng out, but in reality is i HAVE EXAMS IN TEN DAYS TIME. (and naturally, haven't studied shit). WHY can't u guys cuti when i have cuti? WHY do u have to put me in this state or torture? WHY??? stupid mmu.

and my cbox rosak. how do i fix it?